How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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Why did the strawberry call 911?

It was in a jam!
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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What is a cat's favorite breakfast?

Mice krispies
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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Where do fish keep their money?

In a river bank
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