How do you make a band stand?

Take their chairs away!
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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?

Accountants know they're boring.
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What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh
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This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in there.
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What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"

Time is fun when you're having flies
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What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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