How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.
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What can you hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.
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How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.
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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

``Oh wow, is it like dark, man?''
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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What's the difference between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan?

If Trump gets Alzheimers his IQ will go up.
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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