How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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Why does cheese look sane?

Because everything else on the plate is crackers.
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What do ghosts use to wash their hair?

Shamboo!
Frankenstein: Witch can you make me a lemonade?
Witch: Poof you are a lemonade!
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How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

Squeaky clean
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What is a cat's favorite breakfast?

Mice krispies
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