How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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There were two cows in a paddock. One of the cows says, "moo"

and the other one says, "That's what I was going to say."
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I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite

......... one jar.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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What is the snake's favorite subject?

Hiss-story
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Does it take longer to run from 1st base to 2nd, or from 2nd to 3rd?

From 2nd to 3rd because there's a shortstop in the middle.
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What's the best parting gift?

A comb.
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