How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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What is the quietest kind of a dog?

A hush puppy.
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
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How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

The fish.
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How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan.
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