How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?

A watch dog.
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What does new age music sound like played backwards?

New age music.

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What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick falls off when you are dead.
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What do postal workers do when they're mad?

They stamp their feet.
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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Who makes dinosaur clothes?

A dino-sewer.
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
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