How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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How many referral agents does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
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How do Vikings send secret messages?

Norse code.
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What did the ceiling say to the chandelier?

You're the only bright spot in my life.
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How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?

Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
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What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

Not enough sand.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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