How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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Trump: "Foreign Policy?,

if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee."

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The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.

I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
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There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those who read binary and those who don't.
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Why did Mozart sell his chickens?

Because they kept saying "bach bach"!
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure?

The bucket.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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