How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left?

None, because they were copycats
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?

The pronunciation.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What do whales eat?

Fish and ships.
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Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
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When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar!
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What is a ghost's favorite fruit?

Booberries!
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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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