How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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What' the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?

A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He was a baaaaaaaaad driver.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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What do you call two banana peels?

Slippers.
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What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?

CSI
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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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