How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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Why did Venus have to get an air conditioner?

Because Mercury moved in.
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What do aliens on the metric system say?

Take me to your liter.
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Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in mud, then cross the road again?

He was a dirty double crosser!
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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