How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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Why was the math book sad?

It had too many problems.
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Three, but they're really only one.
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What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals?

He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
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What do sea monsters eat for lunch?

Fish and ships.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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