How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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Why didn't the girl take the bus home?

Because her mom would make her take it back.
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What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

Squash
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Why do fish live in salt water?

Because pepper makes them sneeze
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What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.
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What do you call a clown who's in jail?

A silicon.
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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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Why did the lamb cross the road?

To get to the baaaaarber shop
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