How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?

None: A `Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.
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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?

Silverware.
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How do you make a band stand?

Take their chairs away!
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How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator?

There are footprints in the butter.
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He made an illegal ewe turn.
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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