How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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What emotional disorder does a gas chromatograph suffer from?

Separation anxiety.
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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven. One to change it and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
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I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'.

So I went - and I got it.
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Where do horses live?

In the neigh-borhood.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
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