How do you make a fire with two sticks?

Make sure one is a match!
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Why is a skeleton so mean?

He doesn't have a heart.
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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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Does it take longer to run from 1st base to 2nd, or from 2nd to 3rd?

From 2nd to 3rd because there's a shortstop in the middle.
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How do you fix a broken brass instrument?

With a Tuba glue.

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I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon
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What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?

He decomposes.

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