How do you make a fire with two sticks?

Make sure one is a match!
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How many singers from Nashville does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love he is with the new one, and one to go "Yee-Hah!" and throw his cowboy hat in the air.
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What is a cow's favorite place?

The mooseum.
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How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There's a primitive for that.
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Who can hold up a bus with one hand?

A crossing guard.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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How many UFO buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. You don't believe me do you? I've got photos! See that big blob? Well, just squint your eyes a bit. . . .
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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