How do you make a fire with two sticks?

Make sure one is a match!
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What do you call a mad elephant?

An earthquake.
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.
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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.
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If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?

Wet.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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