How do you make a fire with two sticks?

Make sure one is a match!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?

A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
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What is a horse's favorite sport?

Stable tennis
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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What is a cat's favorite breakfast?

Mice krispies
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What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?

It might be your bicycle.
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call Daddy, and one to get the (pick one:) mineral water/Tab.
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