How do you make a fire with two sticks?

Make sure one is a match!
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What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?

Skeet.
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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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Why did the melon jump into the lake?

It wanted to be a watermelon.
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What did one tooth say to the other tooth?

The dentist is taking me out tonight.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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What does a calf become after it's 1 year old?

2 years old.

Cow: "Mooooove over"
Sheep: "Naaaaaaa."
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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