How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What did Jay-z call his wife before they got married?

Feyonce

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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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