How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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Why did Mozart sell his chickens?

Because they kept saying "bach bach"!
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss's secretary's sister's next-door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Sergeant-of-Arms's nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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