How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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What kind of flower has lips?

Two-lips!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen on the guest list.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank,

proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

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What 7 letters did Lizzy say when she opened the refrigerator and found it empty?

O I C U R M T
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What does a cat say when somebody steps on
its tail?

Me-ow
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