How do you make a million dollars singing jazz?

Start with two million.

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If H20 is water, what is H204?

Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming, etc.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Have you heard the joke about the butter?

I better not tell you, it might spread.
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What did one cow say to the other?

Mooooooove over
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What did one titration say to the other?

"Let's meet at the endpoint."
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How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There never was any light bulb.

Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
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Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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What do you get when you cross a roll of wool and a kangaroo?

A woolen jumper
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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