How do you make a million dollars singing jazz?

Start with two million.

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How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Agnostics question whether electricity really exists.
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Why are there fences around a graveyard?

Because people are dying to get in!
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What do you call a sad bird?

A bluebird!
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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What did the alien say to the cat?

Take me to your litter.
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Who makes the best cake on a baseball team?

The batter.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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