How do you make a million dollars singing jazz?

Start with two million.

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Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium?

It went OK.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?

Glass flippers.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left?

None, because they were copycats
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Why did they kick cinderella off the baseball team?

She kept running away from the ball.
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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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