How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof

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What has a head but no body?

A nail.
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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Why did the cow go in the spaceship?

It wanted to see the mooooooon!
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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Why was the baseball game so hot?

Because all the fans left!
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It's Hans free.
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