How do you make a rock float?

Put it in a glass with some ice cream and root beer.
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How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity any more.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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Old chemists never die,

they just stop reacting.
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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What did the policeman say when his tummy was rumbling?

Stop! You're under a vest.
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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What kind of cat should you never play games with?

A cheetah
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