How do you make Holy water?

Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.
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How many Holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None: they just deny that the bulb ever went out in the first place.
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

Its shadow
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Why is a skeleton so mean?

He doesn't have a heart.
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Trump: "Foreign Policy?,

if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee."

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What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.
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