How do you make Holy water?

Take regular water and just boil the hell out of it.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What do you get when you cross a witch with sand?

A sandwich!
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss's secretary's sister's next-door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Sergeant-of-Arms's nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
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How did the egg cross the road?

It scrambled across!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What's an alligator's favorite drink?

Gator-Ade.
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Why do cows go to New York?

To see the moosicals
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