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How do you open the great lakes?
With the Florida Keys.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.
Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
One.
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What do you call a rabbit with beetles all over it?
Bugs Bunny.
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?
Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?
He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.
But that's just nuts
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Who makes dinosaur clothes?
A dino-sewer.
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What is "HIJKLMNO"?
H2O.
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Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?
A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.
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