How do you open the great lakes?

With the Florida Keys.
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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What can you hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.
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Which is the most religious cheese?

Emmental...it's very hol(e)y...
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Who makes the best cake on a baseball team?

The batter.
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Humpty Trumpty wants a great wall.

Humpty Trumpty wants Mexico to pay for it all.
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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