How do you prevent a Summer cold?

Catch it in the Winter!
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What do you get when you plant a frog?

A cr-oak tree.
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There never was any light bulb.

Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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What's the best parting gift?

A comb.
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What do postal workers do when they're mad?

They stamp their feet.
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Why did the basketball player bring his suitcase to his game?

Because he traveled a lot.
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