How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?

Mummies!
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How did the egg cross the road?

It scrambled across!

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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What is black when clean, and white when dirty?

A blackboard.
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

Just in case he got a hole in one!
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