How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?

Holly Davidson.
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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.

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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.

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What is the chemical formula for "banana"?

BaNa2
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