How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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How many Jewish renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends. One, if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit by electricity generated from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called The Jew in the Lightbulb. Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
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How many Yuppies (WASPs) does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call the electrician, and one to mix the drinks.
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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed.
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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
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What is a lion's favorite state?

Maine
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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Why did the opera singer go sailing?

Because she wanted to hit the high C's.
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