How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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Humpty Trumpty wants a great wall.

Humpty Trumpty wants Mexico to pay for it all.
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How did the egg cross the road?

It scrambled across!
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What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.
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How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Astronomers prefer the dark.
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