How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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What is the strongest animal?

A snail because it carries it's home.
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What's black and white and red all over?

A blushing zebra.
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How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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Where do all the letters sleep?

In the alphabed.
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I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite

......... one jar.
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What did the one penny say to the other penny?

We make perfect cents.
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