How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be baygulls!
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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?

Mummies!
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.
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