How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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What kind of cats like to go bowling?

Alley cats.
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Three people were in a boat. They all fell off. Only two people ended up with wet hair. Why didn't the other person's hair get wet?

Because he was bald!
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

A shampoodle
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How many archaeologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One team, but they'll label every piece of the old one, mark its location in the room, and write a detailed description before determining that it was used to store cornmeal.
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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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