How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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Why didn't the girl take the bus home?

Because her mom would make her take it back.
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How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?

Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

Not enough sand.
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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon!
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What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?

A stick.
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