How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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Why are babies good at soccer?

Because they dribble!
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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What did the painter say to the wall?

I got you covered.
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How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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