How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?

By relocating it to a casino!
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If H20 is water, what is H204?

Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming, etc.
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How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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