How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?

Pay him for the pizza

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How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What does it matter? we're all gonna die anyway.
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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A small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. "Oh Bunsen, my flame," the sodium pined. "I melt whenever I see you,"

The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."
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What are pirate's favoite treat?

Chips AHOY!!
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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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