How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What' the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?

A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.
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What's an alligator's favorite drink?

Gator-Ade.
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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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I have a friend who is a Limo driver . But he has had no clients for two years.

So he has nothing to chauffeur it !
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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What clothes does a house wear?

Address.
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What do postal workers do when they're mad?

They stamp their feet.
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