How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

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Why are ghosts so bad at lying?

Because you can see right through them!
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Why to lawyers wear neckties?

To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
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What's green and flies as fast as a speeding bullet?

Super Pickle!
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What robs you while you're in the bathtub?

A robber ducky.
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What goes around a haunted house and never stops?

A fence.
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