How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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How many archaeologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One team, but they'll label every piece of the old one, mark its location in the room, and write a detailed description before determining that it was used to store cornmeal.
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What do you call a fat pumpkin?

A plumpkin.
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What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?

Time to get a new bed
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Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.
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What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck
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What's a royal pardon?

It's what the queen says after she burps.
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What's green and loud?

A froghorn.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?

A pair of Re-Bachs.

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