How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?

Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

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Why don't bears wear shoes?

What's the use, they'd still have bear feet
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Which runs faster, hot or cold water?

Hot, because you can catch cold.
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What did one cow say to the other?

Mooooooove over
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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What did the number 0 say to number 8?

Nice belt!
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How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There's a primitive for that.
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What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music?

A natural major.
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What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

Squash
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