How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely?

With its sparrowchute.
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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Why did the baseball player bring a rope to the game?

Because he wanted to tie the score!
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine
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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed!
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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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