How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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Why was the mole of oxygen molecules excited when he walked out of the singles bar?

He got Avogadro's number!
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What's in the middle of nowhere?

The letter H.

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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah;

I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

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What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?

The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated

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What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

Not enough sand.
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