How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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How many Cabbage Patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb?

The question is irrelevant, since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many. (Note: Well, this was a good joke in 1983-84. . . .)
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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What's a tree's favorite drink?

Rootbeer.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?

You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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