How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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What did one eye say to the other?

Between you and me, something smells.
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How did Ben Franklin feel after discovering electricity?

Shocked.
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You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes,

he's a catholic converter.


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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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Why don't aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!
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What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.
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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've got you covered!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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