How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse?

Kitty Perry

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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

Its shadow
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Which 2 food groups make up Donald Trumps diet?

Meat and Democrats!
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What does the toast wear to bed?

Jammies!
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What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.
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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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