How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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How does a penguin build it's house?

Igloos it together.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
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Why did the boy take a ladder to school?

He wanted to go to high school!
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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There are 10 kinds of people in the world.

Those who read binary and those who don't.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

He got caught peeping on a test.
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What kind of fly has a frog in its throat?

A hoarse fly!
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