How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.
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Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in mud, then cross the road again?

He was a dirty double crosser!
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
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Why did the sun go to school?

To get brighter!
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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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