How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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Why is tennis such a loud game?

Because each player raises a racquet.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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What do you get when you cross a duck with a vampire?

Count Quackula!
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What's green and flies as fast as a speeding bullet?

Super Pickle!
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What has 4 wheels, gives milk, and eats grass.

A cow on a skateboard.
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Why are babies good at soccer?

Because they dribble!
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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What are lawyers good for?

They make used car salesmen look good.
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