How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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What did one egg say to the other egg?

Let's get crackin'!
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How many Development Executives does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Well, first let's talk about the concept behind this whole "light bulb" thing.
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What do you call a slow skier?

A slopepoke!
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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