How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Why did the student eat her homework?

Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake!
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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?

Put him in the front seat.
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?

"Let me see your birth certificate".
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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