How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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Why are elephants wrinkled?

Because they don't fit on a ironing board
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What did the Mass Spectrometer say to the Gas Chromatograph?

Breaking up is hard to do.
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What did one egg say to the other egg?

Let's get crackin'!
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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