How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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How do you know Donald Trump is talking to you?

Cause your the only one Hair.
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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Why did the singer climb a ladder?

She wanted to reach the high notes!

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What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?

A brick layer!
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I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'.

So I went - and I got it.
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What's worse than a worm in your apple?

Half a worm.
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