How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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What message did Bach have on his answering machine?

"This phone is baroque, please call Bach later."

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Who's richer — the butcher, the baker, or the candlestick maker?

The baker, because he has lots of dough.
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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

She couldn't control her pupils.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
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Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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What do you call lending money to a bison?

A buff-a-loan
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What do Russians use for napkins?

Soviets
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