How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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What do fish take to stay healthy?

Vitamin sea.
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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Why do pandas like old movies?

Because they are black and white.
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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with

but I've been trippin' all day.
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Why did the skeleton cross the road?

To get to the body shop.
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Why did the dog cross the road twice?

He was trying to fetch a boomerang
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What happened to the man who was stopped for having sodium chloride and a nine-volt in his car?

He was booked for a salt and battery.
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Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium?

He just couldn't put it down.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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