How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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Trump: "It's not a toupee,

I just found the Bush that Jeb lost."
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How many music teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb??

None. music teachers can't afford lightbulbs.
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What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.
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How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Seven. One to change it and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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