How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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What did one eye say to the other?

Between you and me, something smells.
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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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What do you call snake with no clothes on?

Snaked.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
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When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a garage.
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Clowns divorce:

custardy battle.
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What do Russians use for napkins?

Soviets
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Why do cows go to New York?

To see the moosicals
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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