How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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What is up in the air and wobbles?

A jellycopter
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What do you call a chicken in the 1960's?

A funky chicken.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

Its shadow
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How many Bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb??

What's a light bulb?
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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