How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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How many Holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None: they just deny that the bulb ever went out in the first place.
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Why did Mickey Mouse get whacked in the head?

coz Donald ducked
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What does cheese say to itself in the mirror?

Halloumi.
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How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and eleven to say they could do it faster.

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What did one hair say to the other?

It takes two to tangle!
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What kind of shoes do bannanas make?

Slippers!
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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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