How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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What is worse then having one baby screaming?

Two babies screaming!
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.

It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
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What did the ghost say to the other ghost?

Do you believe in humans?
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Can you say Richard and Robert had a rabbit without using the "r" sound?

Sure, Dick and Bob had a bunny!
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee!
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What does the winner of the race lose?

His breath.
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