How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?

10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
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How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a software problem.
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What is Claustrophobia?

The fear of Santa Claus.
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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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