How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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Went to the paper shop -

it had blown away.
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How do you fix a broken vegetable?

With tomato paste.
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Why was the piano player arrested?

Because he got into treble with the cops

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What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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What did the snail say when he got on the turtle's shell?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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Four fonts walk into a bar

the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

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How do you make a rock float?

Put it in a glass with some ice cream and root beer.
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