How does a bird with a broken wing manage to land safely?

With its sparrowchute.
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How many Jewish American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to call Daddy, and one to get the (pick one:) mineral water/Tab.
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What's a light-year?

The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

It's a total rip-off.
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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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How many plastic surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but he'll also want to do something about your nose.
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What do you call a messy hippo?

A hippopota-mess
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What has four legs but never stands?

A Chair!
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