How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
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What do Santa's elves drive?

Minivans.
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Four fonts walk into a bar

the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

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What did the belly button say just before it left?

I'm outtie here!

Tom: I bet I can make you say purple.
Joe: How?
Tom: What colors are in the American flag?
Joe: Red, white and blue.
Tom: I told you I can make you say red.
Joe: You said purple!
Tom: I told you I could make you say purple!
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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?

They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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What do you call the king of vegetables?

Elvis Parsley.
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Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?

Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.
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