How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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Why did they kick cinderella off the baseball team?

She kept running away from the ball.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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Where do fish keep their money?

In a river bank
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What do you call a baby bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear
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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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