How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

She couldn't control her pupils.
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What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?

He decomposes.

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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?

They both come in tots.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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