How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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Why did the cat go to Minnesota?

To get a mini soda
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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If minorities have the race card and women have the gender card, what do rednecks have?

The Trump Card
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How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?

About one third less than for a regular bulb.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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