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How does a penguin build it's house?
Igloos it together.
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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?
When you're a mouse.
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"
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What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?
A shampoodle
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What did the snail say when he got on the turtle's shell?
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?
By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?
A road hog.
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
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