How does a penguin build it's house?

Igloos it together.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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Which 2 food groups make up Donald Trumps diet?

Meat and Democrats!
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss's secretary's sister's next-door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Sergeant-of-Arms's nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.
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Why did the strawberry call 911?

It was in a jam!
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta
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