How does a pig go to hospital?

In a hambulance.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What did the ghost say to the other ghost?

Do you believe in humans?
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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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What does the winner of the race lose?

His breath.
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What's black and white, black and white, black and white and green?

Three skunks fighting over a pickle

First dog: My master calls me Furball. How about you?
Second Dog: My master calls me Sitboy
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What do envelopes say when you lick them?

Nothing, it shuts them up!
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What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia!
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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