How does a pig go to hospital?

In a hambulance.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What message did Bach have on his answering machine?

"This phone is baroque, please call Bach later."

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Why don't mountains get cold in the winter?

They wear snowcaps.
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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'

So he gave me a kite.

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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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Why does Trump love the poorly educated?

Because they only know their ABCs "Anybody But Clinton".
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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Which candles burn longer, bee's wax or tallow?

Neither, they all burn shorter.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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