How does a pig go to hospital?

In a hambulance.

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So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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How many Trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But he'll leave a big puddle of spit on the floor underneath him.

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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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What do you call a bruise on a T-Rex?

A dino-sore

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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.

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How many alumnae of (sorority name) does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to change it and one to act as chaperone.

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