How does a pig go to hospital?

In a hambulance.
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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Why did the boy put candy under his pillow?

Because he wanted sweet dreams.
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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