How does a train sneeze?

Ah-choo-choo!
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He was a baaaaaaaaad driver.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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What kind of jam can you not eat?

A traffic jam.
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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How many UFO buffs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. You don't believe me do you? I've got photos! See that big blob? Well, just squint your eyes a bit. . . .
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What do lawyers wear in court?

Lawsuits.
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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What kind of dress can't be worn?

Address.
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So the Pillsbury Doughboy's pants fell off and I..

feel really weird about donuts right now.
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