How does a train sneeze?

Ah-choo-choo!
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What fish only swims at night?

A starfish.
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What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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How do you make a musician's car more aerodynamic?

Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof

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What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar?

"Trike or Treat"?
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Why did the TV cross the road?

Because it wanted to be a flat screen.
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I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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Have you seen the new HGTV show about the Whitehouse makeover?

It's called "Trump It or Dump It".
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