How does a train sneeze?

Ah-choo-choo!
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How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?

Three:

One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and

one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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How do you tell you're kissing a french horn player?

He/She keeps trying to stick their fist up your butt.

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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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Who did Frankenstein take to the dance?

His "ghoul" friend!
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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What is the opposite of a restaurant?

A workaraunt.
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