How does a train sneeze?

Ah-choo-choo!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why didn't the rooster cross the road?

Because it was chicken.
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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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Customer: "Do you have alligator shoes?"

Clerk: "Yes, sir. What size does your alligator wear?"
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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What bone will a dog never eat?

A trombone.
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What did the boat say to the pier?

What's up, dock?
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