How does a train sneeze?

Ah-choo-choo!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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Where would an astronaut park his space ship?

A parking meteor!
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How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?

"Many hands make light work."
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How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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How do you make Halloween great again?

By carving a Trumpkin.
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What do you call a lawyer gone bad.

Senator.
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What makes music on your hair?

A head band!

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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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