How does a train sneeze?

Ah-choo-choo!
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Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
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How many Bell Labs vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?

That's proprietary information. The answer is available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.
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How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
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El Chapo has offered $100 million dollars for Trumps body, dead or alive.

I guess that finally answers the question about how much Donald Trump is actually worth.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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Why does everybody like Frosty the Snowman?

Because he is so cool!
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight.

Blue sky at night: day.
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