How does a train sneeze?

Ah-choo-choo!
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Porkchop
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What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
Your Honor.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50

Senator.
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What kind of phones do people in jail use?

Cell phones
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What's the tallest building in the world?

The library, because it has the most stories.
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What do you see when you look into Trump's eyes?

Answer: The back of his head.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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