How does a train sneeze?

Ah-choo-choo!
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What did Donald Trump say to the birthday boy?

"Let me see your birth certificate".
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How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They have machines to do that now.
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What is the quietest kind of a dog?

A hush puppy.
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What do vampires take when they are sick?

Coffin drops!
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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What would you call a humorous knee?

Fun-ny!
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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