How does a train sneeze?

Ah-choo-choo!
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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Why did the tree get a computer?

To log on.
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What do you call a fat pumpkin?

A plumpkin.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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What goes around a haunted house and never stops?

A fence.
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.
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