How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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What did the judge say to the dentist?

Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
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What do postal workers do when they're mad?

They stamp their feet.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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What do you call lending money to a bison?

A buff-a-loan
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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Why does Trump love the poorly educated?

Because they only know their ABCs "Anybody But Clinton".
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