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How does the ocean say hello?
It waves.
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How can you tell is a singer is at your door?
They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
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Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the shell station.
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Trump: "It's not a toupee,
I just found the Bush that Jeb lost."
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,
but I don't want one of them for my husband".
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What's the slipperiest country?
Greece!
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.
Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?
Carlos.
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Why did the cookie go to the Doctor?
Because he was feeling crumby.
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