How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb?

Six: two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing.
None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
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Why are the floors of basketball courts always so damp?

The players dribble a lot.
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I would avoid the sushi if I was you.

It’s a little fishy.
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How does a penguin build it's house?

Igloos it together.
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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

``Oh wow, is it like dark, man?''
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What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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