How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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What cell phones do travelling nuns use?

Virgin mobile.
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What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese.
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What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

A shampoodle
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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What did Michael Jackson tell the little boy?

"The way you make me feel, it really turns me on!"
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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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Why are pirates great singers?

They can hit the high C's!

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What do you call a scared train?

A fright train!
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