How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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What do aliens on the metric system say?

Take me to your liter.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
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Why did the tree get a computer?

To log on.
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What 7 letters did Lizzy say when she opened the refrigerator and found it empty?

O I C U R M T
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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Where do cows go on Saturday night?

To the mooooooovies.
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