How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.
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What happened when 500 hares got loose on Main Street?

The police had to comb the area.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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How is Donald Trump going to create middle class jobs?

By paying them to cheer for him during campaign events.
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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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Why was the math book sad?

It had too many problems.
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How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change the bulb and three to whine "It's too high"
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.
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