How many 2nd AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Uh...standby, I'll check on that.

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What country makes you shiver?

Chile.

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Why did the orange stop in the middle of the hill?

It ran out of juice!
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Why did the poultry farmer become a school teacher?

So he could grade his eggs.

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

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What did the baby corn ask the mother corn?

Where is pop corn?
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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Why couldn't the pirates play cards?

They were sitting on the deck!
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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