How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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What's a tree's favorite drink?

Rootbeer.
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

To practice.
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing!
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What do you call a musician with a college degree?

Night manager at McDonalds

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