How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.

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What did the snowman say to the customer?

Have an ice day!
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What did the momma buffalo say to her son before he went to school?

Bison

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How many polite New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Both of them.

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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one more, guys, I promise.

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What did rural America tell Donald Trump?

You're Hired.
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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.

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A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.

The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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