How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What do you call a dog with a Rolex?

A watch dog.
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What does one bucket say to the other?

I am feeling pale today.
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