How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What's the difference between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan?

If Trump gets Alzheimers his IQ will go up.
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What kind of driver has no arms or legs?

A screwdriver.
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How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
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How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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