How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

To get to the udder side.
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Why did Mozart kill his chickens?

Because they always ran around going "Bach! Bach! Bach!"

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What has four legs but never stands?

A Chair!
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Why can't a bicycle stand up?

Because it's two tired!
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What kind of fish is made out of 2 sodium atoms?

2 Na
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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