How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What do you call a 400-pound gorilla?

Sir.
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What does Santa like to do in the garden?

Hoe, hoe, hoe!
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What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer

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What is a pirate's favorite's fish?

A swordfish
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What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?

Saliva
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A pair of eyebrows walked into a shop. The assistant asked, "Can I help you?"

The eyebrows replied, "no, we are just browsing"
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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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