How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What do clarinetists use for birth control?

Their personalities.

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Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?

Because he's Haydn.

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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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What happens when frogs park illegally?

They get toad.
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Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
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What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.
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