How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What kind of music do planets sing?

Neptunes!
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What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.
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What's the difference between Donald Trump and Ronald Reagan?

If Trump gets Alzheimers his IQ will go up.
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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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what do you call a tick on the moon?

A luna-tick
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