How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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So the Pillsbury Doughboy's pants fell off and I..

feel really weird about donuts right now.
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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Why does Trump love the poorly educated?

Because they only know their ABCs "Anybody But Clinton".
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What is a horse's favorite sport?

Stable tennis
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What can you hold without using your hands?

Your breath!
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What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck
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You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes,

he's a catholic converter.


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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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