How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?

To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.

Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.

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What does GOP stand for?

Grabs Our Pussy.
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So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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How do you stop an elephant from charging?

Take away his credit card
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What did one egg say to the other egg?

Let's get crackin!
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What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?

A road hog.
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