How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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Why did the cookie go to the Doctor?

Because he was feeling crumby.
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What do you call a cow that's just given birth?

[De-Calf-Inated]
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What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?

A buck.
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What's the only difference between Donald Trump and Bozo the Clown?

Bozo The Clown has real hair on his head.
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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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What's the tallest building in the world?

The library, because it has the most stories.
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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