How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What did the momma buffalo say to her son before he went to school?

Bison
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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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How many Holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None: they just deny that the bulb ever went out in the first place.
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?

A Flat Major

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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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