How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What do birds say on Halloween?

Twick o tweet
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?

One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
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Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?

Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
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Why are elephants wrinkled?

Because they don't fit on a ironing board
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Why didn't the skeleton want to go to school?

His heart wasn't in it.
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What do you call the best butter on the farm?

A goat.
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