How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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"I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it,

it was a shitzu."
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'.

So I went - and I got it.
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Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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How many referral agents does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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