How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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Why did the scientist take out his doorbell?

He wanted to win the no-bell prize!
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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How does a pig go to hospital?

In a hambulance.
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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?

They're cheaper than day rates.
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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How do you prevent a Summer cold?

Catch it in the Winter!
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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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