How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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And how come her cell phone bill was so high?

She was a Roman (roamin) Catholic
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What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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What do you call a king who is only 12 inches tall?

A ruler.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's fine, he woke up.
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What's a frog's favorite drink?

Croak-a-cola.
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