How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?

A tattoo.

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What do frogs order when they go to a restaurant?

French Flies.
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?

Because E.T. eventually went home!
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A Bhuddist monk goes to a hotdog stand

and says make me one with everything.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How many Union Lighting Technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It's not a bulb, it's a globe.
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