How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What do a baker and a millionaire have in common?

They are both rolling in the dough!
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What's a tree's favorite drink?

Rootbeer.
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What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.
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Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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