How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What do you call a story about a broken pencil?

Pointless
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.
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What's the definition of perfect pitch?

When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

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How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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What kind of ties can't you wear?

Railroad ties.
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What do Santa's elves learn in school?

The Elfabet.
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