How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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"Dyslexic man walks into a bra"
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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Why did the boy have his girlfriend put in jail?

She stole his heart.
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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?

He felt funny.
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What is a cat's favorite breakfast?

Mice krispies
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How do you make a rock float?

Put it in a glass with some ice cream and root beer.
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