How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What is the strongest animal?

A snail because it carries it's home.
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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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Why did the news reporter go to the ice cream parlor?

Because she wanted to get a good scoop.
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What do you call a story about a broken pencil?

Pointless
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What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?

Stuck
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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