How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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What is a ghost's favorite fruit?

Booberries!
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.
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Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
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Where do you put barking dogs?

In a barking lot.
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