How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Agnostics question whether electricity really exists.
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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What concert costs 45 cents?

50 cent featuring Nickelback

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What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What do you see when you look into Trump's eyes?

Answer: The back of his head.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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Where do you put barking dogs?

In a barking lot.
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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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