How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Agnostics question whether electricity really exists.
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My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well,

I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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What did one owl say to the other owl?

Happy Owl-ween!
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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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What kind of phones do people in jail use?

Cell phones
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How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
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How do you fix a broken Tuba.

With a tuba glue.
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