How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
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What's a puppy's favorite kind of pizza?

Pupperoni.
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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?

Squash
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I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
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What do ghosts use to wash their hair?

Shamboo!
Frankenstein: Witch can you make me a lemonade?
Witch: Poof you are a lemonade!
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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How do hair stylists speed up their job?

They take short cuts!
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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