How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.
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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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How do you know when the moon has enough to eat?

When it's full.
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What pine has the longest needles?

A porcupine.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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How do you make an egg laugh?

Tell it a yolk.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him/her.
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