How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.
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What happens when you play "the blues" backwards?

Your wife comes back to you, your dog returns to life and you get out of prison.

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Why did the strawberry call 911?

It was in a jam!
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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Where do soldiers keep their armies?

In their Sleevies!
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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How do you keep a skunk from smelling?

Plug its nose.

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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.

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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What kind of phones do people in jail use?

Cell phones
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