How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.
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What is black ,white and red all over?

A sunburnt penguin
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Where does a ten ton elephant sit?

Anywhere it wants to
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What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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Where are cars most likely to get flat tires?

At forks in the road.
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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What do lawyers wear in court?

Lawsuits.
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And the mermaid, that was weird. What was she wearing in math class?

An Algae-bra
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