How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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"I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"

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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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Why did God invent lawyers?

So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.
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What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed

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How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a software problem.
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What did the class clown take a computer to school?

Her mom told her to bring in an apple for the teacher.
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What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?

Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
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How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

Squeaky clean
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