How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.
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Did you know that you can cool yourself to -273.15 Degrees C

and still be 0k?
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How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You Poke her face.

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What do you call a cow that's just given birth?

[De-Calf-Inated]
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What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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Customer: "Do you have alligator shoes?"

Clerk: "Yes, sir. What size does your alligator wear?"
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What is black ,white and red all over?

A sunburnt penguin
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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Making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon
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