How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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What do you call a cow that twitches?

Beef jerky
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Why did the strawberry call 911?

It was in a jam!
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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When did the fly fly?

When the spider spied her!
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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?

Wet.
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What do you call a cow that's just given birth?

[De-Calf-Inated]
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