How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.
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Why did the cucumber call 911?

It was in a pickle!
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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What's round and bad-tempered?

A vicious circle.
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.
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How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.

A': None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
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"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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