How many archaeologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One team, but they'll label every piece of the old one, mark its location in the room, and write a detailed description before determining that it was used to store cornmeal.
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft?

A Flat Miner

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Why doesn't Donald Trump sweat like Marco Rubio?

Because he has such yuuuuge fans!
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I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.

I can hardly contain myself.

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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When do you go on red and stop on green?

When you are eating a watermelon.
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How do chickens get strong?

Egg-cersize.
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What is a cat's favorite breakfast?

Mice krispies
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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