How many archaeologists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One team, but they'll label every piece of the old one, mark its location in the room, and write a detailed description before determining that it was used to store cornmeal.
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react.
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Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?

A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.
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Why was the mouse afraid of the water?

Catfish
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Why are the middle ages sometimes called the Dark Ages?

Because they had so many knights.
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What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.
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What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?

The Presidential Seal.
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What do Santa's elves drink?

Minnesoda.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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