How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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What do you call a young army?

Infantry.
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Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked.

'It's not unusual' he replied.

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A pair of eyebrows walked into a shop. The assistant asked, "Can I help you?"

The eyebrows replied, "no, we are just browsing"
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Why does a stork stand on one leg?

Because it would fall over if it lifted the other one.
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Why do cows wear bells?

Because their horns don't work.

There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."
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What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?

Use a pen.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.
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What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?

A piano.
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