How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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What is the most important rule in chemistry?

Never lick the spoon!
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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What do you call a chicken in the 1960's?

A funky chicken.
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How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb?

50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
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What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?

Ice cream.
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?

Decalfinated
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Why did the banana go to the hospital?

Because he wasn't peeling well!
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