How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.
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How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb

None, sound engineers don't do lights
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Spelling.
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Why did the sun go to school?

To get brighter!
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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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