How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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What do you call snake with no clothes on?

Snaked.
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Where do you put barking dogs?

In a barking lot.
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road."

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What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.
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I stayed up all night because I wanted to see where the sun went,

and then it dawned on me.
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