How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Astronomers prefer the dark.

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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What would happen if pigs could fly?

The price of bacon would go up.

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What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

Taller
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

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What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed

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What's round and bad-tempered?

A vicious circle.

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What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?

A computer mouse.

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How many Bratzlaver Hasidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find a bulb that burns as brightly as the old one.

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