How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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Why did the calendar write its will?

Its days were numbered.
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How many sound engineers does it take to change a light bulb

None, sound engineers don't do lights
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How does a pig go to hospital?

In a hambulance.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

There was an empty seat.
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Where would an astronaut park his space ship?

A parking meteor!
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