How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness® as the industry standard.
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?

She couldn't control her pupils.
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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah;

I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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