How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them

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Some lettuce, an egg, and a faucet had a race. What was the result?

The lettuce came in ahead, the egg got beat and the faucet is still running.
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A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

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What can you hold without using your hands?

Your breath!
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How does a penguin build it's house?

Igloos it together.
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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.

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Why didn't the skeleton go to the ball?

Because he had no BODY to go with.
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What is green and pecks on trees?

Woody the Wood Pickle.

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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth

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