How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
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What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A tyrannosauraus wreck
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How is Donald Trump going to shut down the Department of Education?

By renaming it Trump University.
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This graveyard looks overcrowded.

People must be dying to get in there.
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