How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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What is the quietest kind of a dog?

A hush puppy.
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When are kids most likely to go to school?

When the door is open.
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What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?

The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
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What's the definition of a minor second?

Two flutes playing in unison.

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How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.
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What's the definition of a gentleman?

One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!

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What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?

When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
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What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?

A coat of arms.
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