How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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What did the number 0 say to number 8?

Nice belt!
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

Their lips are moving.
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Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?

Because he's Haydn.

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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?

Mummies!
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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