How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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Sherlock, what are you doing with that 200lbs shrub?

It's not a shrub, it's a lemon tree my dear Watson.
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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.
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Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?

Because he's Haydn.

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What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon!
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What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?

The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.
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What's the definition of a minor second?

Two flutes playing in unison.

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When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life,

but I don't want one of them for my husband".

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What kind of cars do cats drive?

Catillacs
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