How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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Why did the computer squeak?

Someone stepped on its mouse.
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What do you call a cold dog sitting on a bunny?

A chili dog on a bun.

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How did Ben Franklin feel after discovering electricity?

Shocked.
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Why did Venus have to get an air conditioner?

Because Mercury moved in.

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How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity any more.

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

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What does a cat say when somebody steps on
its tail?

Me-ow

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