How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

One. But the guitarist has to show him first.

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What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Big holes all over Australia!
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods with?

Camembert.
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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What do you get from a cow at the North Pole?

Ice cream.
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What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?

One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
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Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?

He was playing by ear

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