How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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If you don't know what introspection is,

you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
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Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide!
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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Who earns a living by driving his customers away?

A taxi driver.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'.

So I went - and I got it.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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