How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.

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Why are there fences around a graveyard?

Because people are dying to get in!
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?

He made an illegal ewe turn.

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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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Why did the turtle cross the road?

To get to the shell station.

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Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?

Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.
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What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"

Time is fun when you're having flies

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

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