How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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What is up in the air and wobbles?

A jellycopter
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What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
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