How many BMI employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?

They screw millions of bulbs every day, but when it comes to your bulbs, there's no record.
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What did one magnet say to the other?

I find you very attractive.
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They stopped a vulture from bringing his rotting carcasses on the plane

but he said "You said I could have two carry on items!"
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?

It might be your bicycle.
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What are the 10 letters of the pirate alphabet?

Aye, Aye, Arr and the Seven C's
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?

Holly Davidson.
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