How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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Why did the sun go to school?

To get brighter!
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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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What do an accordion and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.

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How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
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How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change the bulb and three to whine "It's too high"
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What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

A shampoodle
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What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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