How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
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Why did the doughnut shop close?

The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!
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What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium
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What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"

Time is fun when you're having flies
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How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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How many Carl Sagans does it take to change a light bulb?

Billllyuns and billllyuns. Light bulbs are part of the interstellar "goo" that pervades our universe; they are star stuff.
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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"Dyslexic man walks into a bra"
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A man goes to a zoo and discovers there is only one animal and it's a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu
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