How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
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What did the peanut say to the elephant?

Nothing, peanuts don't talk.
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Why did the football coach go to the bank?

To get his quarterback.
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How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?

One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, 50 to establish the state production quota, 200 militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an "800" number to order an American light bulb.
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

With flood lighting.
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None 'o yo' fuckin' business!
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Why did the oreo go to the dentist?

To get his filling!
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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