How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
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What did the teddy bear say when it was offered dessert?

No thank you, I'm stuffed.
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Why did the sun go to school?

To get brighter!
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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Why did the cow cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.
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How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. There's a primitive for that.
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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What two things can you not have for breakfast?

Lunch and dinner.
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

It gave a little wine
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