How many Bratzlaver Hasidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find a bulb that burns as brightly as the old one.
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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.
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What do you call a gorilla wearing earmuffs?

Anything you like, he can't hear you.
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Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?

He took them to a pignic.
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What goes under your feet and over your head?

A jump rope.
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Why can't Donald Trump be a Lannister?

Because he never pays his debts.
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What do you get when you cross a roll of wool and a kangaroo?

A woolen jumper
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The oddly pleasant feeling of looking down on a physist as they drink the last of their beer.

The strange charm of a top down bottoms up.
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When one physicist asks another, "What's new?" what's the typical response?

C over lambda.
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What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?

You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

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