How many Bratzlaver Hasidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find a bulb that burns as brightly as the old one.
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A man goes to a zoo and discovers there is only one animal and it's a dog.

It was a Shih Tzu
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How does a train sneeze?

Ah-choo-choo!
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What can you hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.
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Online money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.

The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
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A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then

*poof* … he disappeared without a tres!
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What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed

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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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What school do you have to drop out of to graduate from?

Parachute school!
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