How many Bratzlaver Hasidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find a bulb that burns as brightly as the old one.
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What do whales eat?

Fish and ships.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?

She ran away from the ball.
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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Why was the piano player arrested?

Because he got into treble with the cops

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Why did the people not like the restaurant on the moon?

Because there was no atmosphere.
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What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?

A stick.
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