How many Bratzlaver Hasidim does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never find a bulb that burns as brightly as the old one.
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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb

Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What did the pencil say to the paper?

I dot my i's on you!
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What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?

Five after one.
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What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.
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What is very funny and makes dogs itch?

The Flea Stooges!
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What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Spelling.
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