How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?

Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
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Did you know that oxygen went for a second date with potassium?
How did it go?

It went OK2!
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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Did you know that you can cool yourself to -273.15 Degrees C

and still be 0k?
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What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.
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What do you call a snarky criminal going down the stairs?

[A Condesending con descending]
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How many bass clarinetists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them
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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?

Mummies!
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What did the little boy's mom say when he asked her to buy him shoes for gym?

"Tell Jim to buy his own shoes".
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What nails do carpenters hate to hit?

Fingernails.
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