How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?

Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.

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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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What's a tree's favorite drink?

Rootbeer.
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Why did the dog cross the road twice?

He was trying to fetch a boomerang

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What can you hold without ever touching it?

A conversation.

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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

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What did the alien say when he was out of room?

I'm all spaced out!
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What do you call a lawyer gone bad.

Senator.
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