How many cats does it takes to screw in a light bulb?

You can throw away your light bulbs. Just douse the cat with gasoline, light it up with a match, and you'll have all the light you need. (Comment: BLEAH!)
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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Why is Superman's costume so tight?

Because he wears a size "S".
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How many teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?

``Twelve. Ya got a problem with that?''
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

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What does the toast wear to bed?

Jammies!
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Where do you learn to make banana splits?

In sundae school.
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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?

He felt funny.
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