How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?

Three - one to cast the bulb into the outer darkness, and two to catch it when it falls.
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer

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What's the difference between a piano and a tuna?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna

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What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins,

What a turtle disaster

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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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What did the picture say to the wall?

I've been framed.
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I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.

I said, "Are you two an item?"

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What do you call a sad bird?

A bluebird!
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