How many charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?

Three - one to cast the bulb into the outer darkness, and two to catch it when it falls.
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If H20 is water, what is H204?

Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming, etc.
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Where can you find a good lawyer?

In the cemetery
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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What has ears like a cat and a tail like a cat, but is not a cat?

A kitten.
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Why did the opera singer go sailing?

Because she wanted to hit the high C's.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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