How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to hold it, one to hammer it in.
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Why was the vacationing doctor so mad?

He had no patients.
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How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity any more.
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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How does a train sneeze?

Ah-choo-choo!
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Why is the French horn the most divine instrument?

Man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out

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Where do fish keep their money?

In a river bank
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My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.

It was like love meant nothing to her.
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