How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.
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Trump: "Foreign Policy?,

if you mess with the United States, there will be hell toupee."

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What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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Knock, knock
Who's there?
Merry.
Merry who?

Merry Christmas!
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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How do chickens get strong?

Egg-cersize.
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Why did the computer squeak?

Someone stepped on its mouse.
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What did the octopus say to his girlfriend when he proposed?

Can I have your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand in marriage?
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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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