How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.
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What do cats and dogs call Santa Clause?

Santa paws!!!
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?

A pineapple!
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What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?

Take the words out of his mouth
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Why did the cow go to outer space?

To visit the milky way.
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What do you call a clown who's in jail?

A silicon.
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What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?

An udder failure.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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