How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?

Tyrannosaurus Tex.
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What did the alien say when he was out of room?

I'm all spaced out!
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Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?

To hide in a bag of M&M's.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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Why did Mozart kill his chickens?

Because they always ran around going "Bach! Bach! Bach!"

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What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?

One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
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What did the Donald tell an illegal immigrant who was trying to put out a fire at Trump Tower?

No way Hose A.
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What do you call a crate of ducks?

A box of quackers.
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How many investment brokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.
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