How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar?

"Trike or Treat"?
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What do you call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.
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What element is a girl's future best friend?

Carbon.
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What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?

Pooched eggs.
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How many Stuntmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doing it.
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Where does the snowman hide his money?

In the snow bank.
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How many Director's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one more, guys, I promise.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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