How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?

CSI
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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How do you make a cello sound beautiful?

Sell it and buy a violin

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Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?

Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
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My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well,

I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

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I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?"

I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
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What did one owl say to the other owl?

Happy Owl-ween!
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Why are elephants wrinkled?

Because they don't fit on a ironing board
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What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?

A shampoodle
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