How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking.
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Why did the cow go in the spaceship?

It wanted to see the mooooooon!
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What kind of fish is made out of 2 sodium atoms?

2 Na
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Why do ducks fly south?

Because it's too far to walk!
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How many referral agents does it take to change a light bulb?

Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
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I backed a horse last week at ten to one.

It came in at quarter past four.

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