How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you're a mouse.
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Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

Take your foot off his head.
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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
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What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?

A porcupine with split ends
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What is the most important subject a witch learns in school?

Spelling.
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Why should we call the President, Donald "Duck" Trump?

Because you better duck when he's pissed.
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

One minds the train, one trains the mind.
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