How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, for the infant readers among you, this was a popular catch-phrase from "Laugh In.")
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Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber?

It needed to be trimmed.
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Why do you bring fish to a party?

Because it goes good with chips.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

No, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed

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What do moms dress up as on Halloween?

Mummies!
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What does a skeleton say before dinner?

Bone appetit!
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Why did the gardener plant his money?

He wanted his soil to be rich!
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