How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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What did one volcano say to the other?

I lava you.
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

Their lips are moving.
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Why doesn't Melania Trump want to be the first lady?

Because she would have to move into a smaller house.
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What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Carlos.
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What did one eye say to the other?

Between you and me, something smells.
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Where does Friday come before Monday?

In the dictionary.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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What did the little girl say when she had to choose between a tricycle and a candy bar?

"Trike or Treat"?
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