How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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What do you do when your chair breaks?

Call a chairman.
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What is the world's longest punctuation mark?

The hundred yard dash.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
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What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces

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Why can't hippos ride bicycles?

Bike helmets don't fit hippos
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I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?'

So he gave me a kite.

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I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah;

I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

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Whats the difference between Terrorists and Accordion players?

Terrorists have sympathizers

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