How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?

Many hands make light work.
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There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.

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What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?

It's time to go to sweep.
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Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?

He took them to a pignic.
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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".

I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
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I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for!

You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

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What kind of fish is made out of 2 sodium atoms?

2 Na
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna.
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