How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know!

If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

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What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

Its shadow
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How did the bubble gum cross the road?

On the bottom of the chicken's foot!
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When does New Year's Day come before Christmas Day?

Every year!
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What is a horse's favorite sport?

Stable tennis
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Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse.

but enough about Kanye West.
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What is the snake's favorite subject?

Hiss-story
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What is worse then having one baby screaming?

Two babies screaming!
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I tried nutella on some salmon

got salmonella.
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