How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that."

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What does the toast wear to bed?

Jammies!
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How many Jewish renewal rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?

Depends. One, if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit by electricity generated from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called The Jew in the Lightbulb. Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.
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Why does the Donald sleep with a potato in his briefs?

Because he want to wake up some day as America's First Dictator.
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Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?

He took them to a pignic.
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What do you call a cow in a tornado?

A milkshake
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What do you call a public servant who doesn't take crap from Republicans or Democrats?

Donald Trump.
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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?

A try and try and try-ceratops
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