How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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What do Donald Trump and a baby have in common?

They both whine alot!
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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How many UNIX hacks does it take to change a light bulb?

As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?

One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
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Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

It was two tired.
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What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark?

Flood lights!
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How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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