How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania?

Because all his other wives support Hillary.
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Why was the math book sad?

It had too many problems.
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What did one ion say to the other?

I've got my ion you.
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Why was the ant so confused?

Because all his uncles were "ants"!
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I know loads of jokes about cash machines,

I just can't think of one atm.
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What did the sardine call the submarine?

A can of people.
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What makes music on your hair?

A head band!

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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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What's green and loud?

A froghorn.
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