How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night.

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.
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They're always telling me to live my dreams.

But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta
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Some people believe that becoming a vegitarian is just a mistake...

A Missed-steak.
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A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"

The bartender offers him a warm smile and says, "For you, no charge".
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What do you call the best butter on the farm?

A goat.
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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