How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. It turned itself in.
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What did the carrot say to the rabbit?

Do you want to grab a bite?
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What is King Arthur's favorite fish?

A swordfish
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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Why did the little bird get in trouble at school?

Because he was caught tweeting on a test.
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What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?

With a cowculator.
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What do you call two ants that run away to get married?

Ant-elopes!
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What type of cars do elves drive?

Toy-otas.
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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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