How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?

Three: one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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What kind of band can't play music?

A rubber band.
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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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Where do you put barking dogs?

In a barking lot.
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Why does a dog wag its tail?

Because there's no one else to wag it for him.
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How many Cabbage Patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb?

The question is irrelevant, since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many. (Note: Well, this was a good joke in 1983-84. . . .)
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?

You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.

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What is a cheetahs favorite food?

Fast food

A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes".
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