How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?

Three: one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one - and let the other one off.

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.
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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.
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Why did the skeleton cross the road?

To get to the body shop.
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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What did Jay-z call his wife before they got married?

Feyonce

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How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
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What did one elevator say to the other?

I think I'm coming down with something!
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