How many database people does it take to change a light bulb?

Three: one to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
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Why don't aliens celebrate Chistmas?

Because they don't want to give away their presence.
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Kleptomaniacs just don't get puns

they always take things literally.
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

On the bottom.
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How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
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What do you call snake with no clothes on?

Snaked.
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What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his Viagra?

"The erection is rigged!"
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How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?

Juan by Juan.
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What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?

The caterer.
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What kind of dogs do chemists have?

Laboratory Retrievers
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