How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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What do you call a scared train?

A fright train!
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Why can't Donald Trump be a Lannister?

Because he never pays his debts.
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What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?

They both come in tots.
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What goes on and on and has an i in the middle?

An onion
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What did the peanut say to the walnut?

Nothing. Nuts can't talk.
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