How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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What did the dog say to the flea?

Stop bugging me!
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What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

Root position cords.

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Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it.

Should've been called Look Who's Hawking, that's my only criticism.
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What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed?

A jury.
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What kind of dog always runs a fever?

A hot dog
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Why are the middle ages sometimes called the Dark Ages?

Because they had so many knights.
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What message did Bach have on his answering machine?

"This phone is baroque, please call Bach later."

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Why was the baseball game so hot?

Because all the fans left!
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