How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?

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What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta
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What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?

One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.

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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.

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What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?

Its shadow

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Where do fortune tellers dance?

At the crystal ball.

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What do you call lending money to a bison?

A buff-a-loan

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What do you get when you plant a frog?

A cr-oak tree.

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Interesting story, the guy who helped me learn algebra never farted around anyone.

I mean he did say he was a private tutor.
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