How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. No, two. No... How many do we have on the truck?
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What happens when spectroscopists are idle?

They turn from notating nuclear spins to notating unclear puns.
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What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Porkchop
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What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"

Time is fun when you're having flies
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What is the name of 007's Eskimo cousin?

Polar Bond.
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I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I’m just doing it for kicks.
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How does a dog stop a video?

He presses the paws button.
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My pastor, he ate too many beans.

He had in his own pews.
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How many assholes does it take to change a light bulb?

None; assholes never see the light anyway.
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