How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?

One.
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Now that Macy's has severed ties, with Donald Trump, how can the average American look like the President?

By hunting and killing their own hair piece.
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How does an attorney sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree.
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What did the policeman say when his tummy was rumbling?

Stop! You're under a vest.
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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Why did the chicken cross the clothing store?

To get to the other size!
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Why didn't the rooster cross the road?

Because it was chicken.
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Why was the piano player arrested?

Because he got into treble with the cops

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