How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?

That depends on the speed of the change and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. It just might be easier to leave the bulb and change the room. It's all relative.

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How do you make an egg laugh?

Tell it a yolk.

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How do you make a goldfish old?

Take away the g

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How many Italians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dunno exactly, but my brother's girlfriend's father's boss's secretary's sister's next-door neighbors' priest's cousin's union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club Sergeant-of-Arms's nephew's best friend did it real cheap for me once.


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What did one hair say to the other?

It takes two to tangle!
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What has legs but doesn't walk?

A bed.

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What do you give a sick bird?

Tweetment.

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What washes up on small beaches?

Microwaves.

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A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

The blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

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The stormtrooper was enjoying the Wookie steak,

but it was a little Chewie.
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