How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?

That depends on the speed of the change and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. It just might be easier to leave the bulb and change the room. It's all relative.
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

100: One to do it and ninety-nine to say "I could've done that."
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Why can't you compare Donald Trump to cancer?

Because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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What do Russians use for napkins?

Soviets
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Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt?

Because deep down, they're really good people.
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Where do all the letters sleep?

In the alphabed.
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I just deleted all the German names off my phone.

It’s Hans free.
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?

Take away his shovel
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