How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

Everyone is happy when the case is closed

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Why can't you say a joke while standing on ice?

Because it might crack up!
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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What's black and white and red all over?

A sunburnt zebra.
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I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags,

he's bisatchel.

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Where do you put barking dogs?

In a barking lot.
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What do whales eat?

Fish and ships.
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What goes 99 thump,99 thump,99 thump?

A centipede with a wooden leg.
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What do Michael Jackson and Malt Whiskey have in common?

They both come in tots.
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