How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

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How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?

Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.

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What did the candle say to the other candle?

I'm going out tonight!
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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

To practice.
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Why can't lawyers do NMR?

Bar magnets have poor homogeneity.
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When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a garage.
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

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Middle C, E-Flat and G walk into a bar.

Sorry, says the barman, we don't serve minors.
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So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants,

it was Wedgie Kray.

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