How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts
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What did the flag say to the pole?

Nothing, it just waved.
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How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?

1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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How do you get a trumpet to sound like a french horn?

Put your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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What does a witch use to keep her hair up?

Scarespray!
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How is a dog like a telephone?

It has a collar I.D.
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Why did the dog cross the road twice?

He was trying to fetch a boomerang
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Two chemists go into a restaurant.
The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O."

The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too" -- and he died.
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How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two — one to screw it most of the way in and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
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