How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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What`s black & white & red all over?

An embarrased mime!
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What did the calculator say to the math student?

You can count on me!
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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How can you tell that a train just went by?

It left its tracks.
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Jesus fed 5000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread.

That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
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My pastor, he ate too many beans.

He had in his own pews.
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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No I deer
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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Why don't aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny!
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