How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing

but you accidentally say Mother.
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What's the difference between a snow man and a snow woman?

Snow balls!
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What kind of cars do cats drive?

Catillacs
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What is on the ground and also a hundred feet in the air?

A centipede on its back!
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Why do ducks fly south?

Because it's too far to walk!
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What is the difference between a locomotive engineer and a teacher?

One minds the train, one trains the mind.
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What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?

An in-car-nation.
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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What can you hold without using your hands?

Your breath!
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