How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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How do you get a cello player to play in tune?

Tell him the key signature has 8 sharps.

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I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite

......... one jar.
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What is Donald Trumps biggest dilemma now that he's president?

Finding a cabinet position for the thing on his head!
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Which runs faster, hot or cold water?

Hot, because you can catch cold.
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What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.
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Why does hamburger yield lower energy than steak?

Because it's in the ground state.
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Sherlock, what are you doing with that 200lbs shrub?

It's not a shrub, it's a lemon tree my dear Watson.
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What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?

His partners.
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What happens when you play Beethoven backwards?

He decomposes.

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