How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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How do you make a million dollars singing jazz?

Start with two million.

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Why did the chemist sole and heel his shoes with silicone rubber?

To reduce his carbon footprint.
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The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper.

She was wearing massive gloves.
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I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it",

he said, "Those are pickled onions".

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What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?

Glass flippers.
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How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?

Squeaky clean
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How do you know the economy is only getting worse?

On the latest episode of "Celebrity Apprentice", Donald Trump fired himself!
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What did one titration say to the other?

"Let's meet at the endpoint."
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A proton and a neutron are walking down the street.
The proton says, "Wait, I dropped an electron help me look for it."

The neutron says "Are you sure?" The proton replies "I'm positive."
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