How many [ethnic] gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.

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What part of a fish weighs the most?

The scales.

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How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?

None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.

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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date

but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

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Why shouldn't Donald Trump rag on illegal immigrants?

Because an undocumented worker has been living on his head for the past 2 decades!
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The defendant is accused of putting dynamite into a steer.

Abominable! [A Bomb In a Bull]
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What do a baker and a millionaire have in common?

They are both rolling in the dough!

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Where does the snowman hide his money?

In the snow bank.
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How did the chemist survive the famine?

By subsisting on titrations.
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