How many [ethnics] does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Ten. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
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What did polly the parrot want for the 4th of July?

A fire cracker
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What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?

The banana split
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Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me

Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
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What is the snake's favorite subject?

Hiss-story
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What did the rug say to the floor?

Don't move, I've got you covered.
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What can you put in a barrel to make it lighter?

Holes.
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I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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What is a horse's favorite sport?

Stable tennis
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What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
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